I am a structure of wall upon wall upon wall, mask upon mask upon mask.
I have spent most of my early life being abused, and I have spent most of my life (from high school – now) destroying and dehumanising myself. There were things I did/do I thought would keep me safe when in actual fact all they were doing was chaining, breaking, and destroying me. I was fed lies, people who were supposed to be protectors forced me to eat them, then I had to believe. Now I do.
So as I found suicidal thoughts seeping their way into me again like a fucking a change of season, like it was scheduled to do it. I decided that enough is enough, I came up with two options in an attempt to save myself.
I read them both again 2 months later and they were grim, horrible solutions.
It occurred to me that what if I tried ridding of these demons that haunt me? what if I started loving, respecting, and nurturing myself? what if I got rid of the lies? What if I could happy? What if I am human?
“the deforestation of me” Where I banish all mechanic like habit, I banish all reducing and hateful objects, teachings, I banish evil and bring in goodness. One last attempt to save myself, a journey to see what’s behind my walls.
There is one goal I have that is troubling me: Losing weight.
I do not want anyone to think that I fell to the sizist’s opinion. I don’t want anyone to think that just losing weight was fixing something.
See, I gained a lot of weight when I was first suicidal – it was the only comfort I had (then I was living in a small, small town. I knew nobody, finished school, and all that was there was food) the food kept me warm and safe. I hid so many problems in the fat that started to build, it was the easiest escape (I’ve also been taught that when I’m sad or suicidal it’s because I should be and that it’s not fixable for me) and I have been holding onto the weight ever since then. Without it, i’d feel like I have nothing.
But I am ready to let go of something that should be in the past and that I need to let go, it is a tool to my dehumanisation.
There is also the issue of sociopolitics behind this one. Sizism is a very loud issue in this country, as it is everywhere.
Regardless of my intention no matter how obvious I make it, the action will look completely different – all they’ll see is a new recruit, a new endorser of horror-cult TV shows like “the biggest loser”. They’ll see a once-was-fat-but-now-boy.
I would feel nothing short of a traitor. Not that any of this is for the validation or approval of other people (All this is very personal to me), but if I do lose weight I will need to make sure they know what fucking for.
I know I cant’ let an issue or movement put my wellbeing at a pause or jeopardy, I know I need to put me first. I’m just very stuck.
Trust me, I have done many things in an attempt to love myself with the fat – being fat isn’t the issue. It is what swims around it, it is what haunts it, what lies lay hidden, what secrets it keeps, what it reminds me of. “You didn’t kill yourself, but you will”
Just like many things I’ve given extreme power and life to, the fat is a portal to the problem – a portal to the wall.
That’s what I need to remember. I need to remember that I’ll still fight sizism. I need to remember why I’m doing this whole deforestation thing in the first place.
I’ll just need to talk someone who’s gone through the same or similar battle.
– off the chest.