OLD LOVER, NEW RECRUIT? (a fall to sizism?)

I am a structure of wall upon wall upon wall, mask upon mask upon mask.

I have spent most of my early life being abused, and I have spent most of my life (from high school – now) destroying and dehumanising myself. There were things I did/do I thought would keep me safe when in actual fact all they were doing was chaining, breaking, and destroying me. I was fed lies, people who were supposed to be protectors forced me to eat them, then I had to believe. Now I do. 
So as I found suicidal thoughts seeping their way into me again like a fucking a change of season, like it was scheduled to do it. I decided that enough is enough, I came up with two options in an attempt to save myself. 
I read them both again 2 months later and they were grim, horrible solutions. 

It occurred to me that what if I tried ridding of these demons that haunt me? what if I started loving, respecting, and nurturing myself? what if I got rid of the lies? What if I could happy? What if I am human? 
“the deforestation of me” Where I banish all mechanic like habit, I banish all reducing and hateful objects, teachings, I banish evil and bring in goodness. One last attempt to save myself, a journey to see what’s behind my walls. 

There is one goal I have that is troubling me: Losing weight. 
I do not want anyone to think that I fell to the sizist’s opinion. I don’t want anyone to think that just losing weight was fixing something.
See, I gained a lot of weight when I was first suicidal – it was the only comfort I had (then I was living in a small, small town. I knew nobody, finished school, and all that was there was food) the food kept me warm and safe. I hid so many problems in the fat that started to build, it was the easiest escape (I’ve also been taught that when I’m sad or suicidal it’s because I should be and that it’s not fixable for me) and I have been holding onto the weight ever since then. Without it, i’d feel like I have nothing.
But I am ready to let go of something that should be in the past and that I need to let go, it is a tool to my dehumanisation. 

There is also the issue of sociopolitics behind this one. Sizism is a very loud issue in this country, as it is everywhere. 
Regardless of my intention no matter how obvious I make it, the action will look completely different – all they’ll see is a new recruit, a new endorser of horror-cult TV shows like “the biggest loser”. They’ll see a once-was-fat-but-now-boy. 
I would feel nothing short of a traitor. Not that any of this is for the validation or approval of other people (All this is very personal to me), but if I do lose weight I will need to make sure they know what fucking for. 

I know I cant’ let an issue or movement put my wellbeing at a pause or jeopardy, I know I need to put me first. I’m just very stuck. 

Trust me, I have done many things in an attempt to love myself with the fat – being fat isn’t the issue. It is what swims around it, it is what haunts it, what lies lay hidden, what secrets it keeps, what it reminds me of. “You didn’t kill yourself, but you will”
Just like many things I’ve given extreme power and life to, the fat is a portal to the problem – a portal to the wall. 
That’s what I need to remember. I need to remember that I’ll still fight sizism. I need to remember why I’m doing this whole deforestation thing in the first place. 

I’ll just need to talk someone who’s gone through the same or similar battle. 

– off the chest.

CHARACTERS AND LOVE

For some reason, we think it’s a righter way of passage, a birth right to one day fall in love ‘find the one’ and live in this fabricated idea of a fairy tale life. We just walk around with this sense of entitlement that it’s going to happen, maybe it’s just another lie we’re told in society. 

I’ve always wanted love, I’ve always wanted to know what it’s like to mean something to someone, to have them smile at you, to have them touch you or hold you, to hold some sort of importance or significance. 
But I think for me it’s just not going to happen, it’s just something the universe hasn’t put in my path, that there’s something about me that is missing a sort of allure
I desire it nonetheless. 

There’s this movie and in it there’s this beautiful (one of the most beautiful i’ve ever heard) monologues about your ‘other half’ who are they? were you once one being and then split in two, did he run off with the better or did you keep it?
And it fucking chilled my bones, it instantly sat into my system, it crawled into every part of me because it said exactly what i was thinking but never knew how to properly articulate it.

I don’t know how much factual truth that piece holds, but for me, it’s the truest. And maybe the person i was torn from ran away with the better goods because on my own, i feel incomplete, empty, a half. I’ve always felt like something was missing, there’s something not right.
But that’s not to say i’m going to magically find someone and everything will be perfect – maybe the person died, maybe they ceased to exist after we split, maybe they became something else. 
or maybe this half was then split into another million and found themselves as characters in plays.

I read and play and sometimes there’s a character i just set my whole being and concentration on. 
I get a character and sometimes their life starts to invade my body, I start to feel their feelings, I start to dream about them, sometimes they’ll come and go as they please and sometimes they won’t leave. I’m not saying they physically manifest to me, but they’re most definitely there I can feel them whether it’s a thought, an image, a breath; it’s like they’re just sitting in my body sometimes feeding me things.
whilst rehearsing, i’ll always get cold late at night, i’ll see my character and i can only explain the feeling as a great abyss that’s drowning in bittersweet nostalgia. 
These characters that are supposedly figments of authors imaginations find such a pleasant home in me, they’re so real, they come at full force – they fuck with my sleep, they torment my molecules, they fuck with my emotions 
but that’s what we want, isn’t it? to have someone come into our life and completely fuck it up? to get inside of us, to mess us up, to torment us?
So maybe my ‘one’ is just all of these people in paper, all of these people whose lives are trapped, they’re left suffocating until an actor (portal) says ‘come into me’ 
it’s sort of like a possession, really. 

Maybe I will never experience the physical manifestation of love and romanticism, maybe I will never be asked on a date, have my hand held, maybe i’ll never make someone nervous, maybe i will never stop anyone’s world, maybe i’ll never be enough. 

But I know that I am not complete, there’s something missing, something has gone wrong. I am half a being. Maybe that won’t change. 
I guess that’s why characters see me.

Western Weight

by western society’s standards, i’ve been deemed ‘obese’ ‘too large’ ‘ugly’
And my concern is not with what society says is acceptable, but rather what I think is acceptable. What I’m not OK with is sizism and the pressure and insecurities that are force-fed into larger people – I just can’t fathom the fact that we’d rather preach/teach insecurities, self-loathe, jealously, fabricated/unrealistic ideas of beauty rather than love in who you are naturally.

We’re taught that being fat is embarrassing, it’s gross, you’re ugly; We go to stores and can’t buy a lot of the clothes.

But i’m just of  happy in my body with the current state it is and my mental health contributes a lot to how I see myself.
I don’t like being the physical size I am and I’ve been battling for so long with what to do about it:
1. losing weight and creating a thinner me is going to do such minimal things for me (mental health, so on)
2. I get ‘thin’ who wins? I’m tired of bigger bodies being slammed as ugly and comedic and all chance of beauty is taken from us; I feel like if I was to lose weight then people would automatically they win ‘thinners are grinners’ ‘thin is pretty’ and so on. I would feel like an awful hypocrite, a huge part of my message is fighting to love who you are naturally, love you for you; to rebuke these glassed over ideas of perfection that we’re fed right from birth.

i’m very conflicted and maybe i’m looking into this far too much – maybe it’s simply that if I change, I change it’s completely my business, no one else’s but know that I did this for no one.

Going to Las Vegan

I thought it’d be quite appropriate for my first post to be about the most recent decision i’ve made.

So I’ve made the decision to go Vegan.
This is something that’s been actively sitting in my brain for about four years, but it’s not completely new. My first encounter with vegetarianism/veganism was when I was about 9 (Far long before I knew anything about the meat industry or even knew that not eating meat was a thing), my Mother and I were buying meat and I said “Mum, you can get less if you want? I don’t want to eat meat anymore, is that OK?” she replied “No. Why would not want to eat meat?” and I said “I think it’s unfair. One less meat I eat that’s one more animal that leaves”
of course, she denied me.
And it’s been in my head since I’ve just never been brave enough to go for it. Until recently.
There’s many reasons as to why I want to make the transition:
1. The meat/fur industry is just completely disgusting
2. It’s not fair. I know I wouldn’t appreciate being slaughtered just for someones meal.
3. Whenever I see someone eating an animal or animal product I get sick and I get angry. I feel like animal eating gives power to the idea that humans are the superior race. Humans have this sense of entitlement that everything on the earth is theirs for the taking and they can do with it whatever they want, which is really quite evil and malevolent. I don’t believe humans are the superior race, quite opposite of that actually.
It’s the fact we can live a life without harming other creatures. We have the ability to thrive on only plants. We have the cognitive ability to choose what we eat, wear, or support.
4. It really upsets me when people justify eating animals/animal products by saying “this what they’re here for. That’s why God gave them to us”

…? There is no way you could possibly know that. Also, to entertain your theory, it’s possible BUT the beginning was a very different time – we now live in a different age with different understanding.

This is something I’ve put a lot of thought into.
I’m not going to make the transition until I move out and am in a safe, calm, patient environment because I feel like It’s a hard, confronting, sensitive time. I’ll go vegetarian first then when I get more educated on the dietary needs and food then I’ll make the move to vegan.

I’m just super proud of myself for finally making the choice to become active about something that’s been in my head for years upon years.
I’m not very scared or nervous either. I feel like this is very natural to me, I just feel like i’m giving life to something that I’ve been ignoring for a very long time

just wanted to share.